Deep · Thoughts · for · a · Shallow · Mind

I AM SO FREAKING FUCKED UP ON PAIN MEDS THAT I CAN'T EVEN STOP DROOLING! Aghh! No that's actually the Klonopin.

I am so happy right now, even though my day has been so shitty. I just wanted the world to know that i am happy and that the world is good.

My dearest little slut…

I end up thinking a lot with all the time spent alone while you sleep… I think about new ways to torture you. To torture your cock… Your balls… To humiliate and degrade you to the point of tears.

Mm, but before I go off on a tangent, let me tell you what I’m going to do with your cock…

***

It’s a long process. Your chastity. Does that word scare you? I’m going to make you horny, my slut, so horny that you can’t last five minutes without an erection. An erection that makes your cock throb and pulse… That throbbing will remind you of who owns you.

I’m going to test you by making you into my service whore. I’m going to tie you down and force you to watch, gagged and helpless as I bring myself to orgasm… Or force you to watch as another little boy that I choose eats me out until I cum.

I will cum twice a day for five days.

You will not cum at all…
Are you getting the picture yet?

***

The point of not letting you cum for five days is to prove to you that I have the ultimate control over your pleasure and to also turn you into a raving mad passionate little slut toy who is willing to do anything – ANYTHING – for that pleasure. The privilege to cum.

You will be brought to the edge so many times then denied release that you will want to cry in my arms. Poor little whore.

And I will do things. I have such evil things planned… things that will frustrate you even more. Shall I give you a sneak preview?

Things like tying you to a chair and making you watch the nastiest porn I could find. Of course I will enjoy myself with my vibrator right next to you (this will NOT count for my two orgasms a day if you are wondering). I might even give you the pleasure of some sensation by running my stiletto heel up your cock (with a snicker) to watch you squirm. But only the semen you’ll be seeing is on the screen.

Things like calling your voicemail and telling you what a nasty little whore you are. Telling you to check under the covers for the present I left you… a coiled whip and a blindfold…

And descriptions… Graphic descriptions of what I’m going to do to you with these items.

Then finally on day five… if you last that long (oh, every time you fail, we add two more days to the test) you will have the reward of being able to cum.

But you will cum my way. And I’m going to tell you right now what that way is…

***

I’ve decided that when I finally allow you to cum, it will need to be both challenging and humiliating. Totally degrading. So much so that the very moment of choice (as if you had one), you will wonder if it is even worth it.

Can you imagine, after five days of not being able to cum, actually being faced with something so terrible that you might consider refusing?

You know I am capable of such things. I love to put you in these kind of positions.

After making you serve me all evening, orally, anally, and by preparing my dinner (and kneeling properly at the table where I eat) you will be summoned to the bedroom where the new contraption will be.

I’ve consulted my leather-maker friend on the design of this contraption. A way to render you totally immobile and unable to even squirm while giving me complete access to y our cock and balls *and* putting you in a position that suits my flair for the ultimate paradox.

I won’t give away all the details right now, but you should know that you are going to find yourself on the edge, sweating, panting, and begging for mercy with your hands completely out of my way and your ankles locked above your head, close to your collar, so that your cock hangs precariously above your face.

So close, in fact, that it will take you little time to realize that cumming, means not only cumming all over your face, but thanks to the ring gag in your mouth, it means cumming practically down your own throat.

All of this, of course, while the back of your thighs sit vulnerable to my cane, and your ass just where I want it. Giving me the ability to assault you with any number of whips, paddles, dildos vibrators, brushes, q-tips and anything else that I want to use on your vulnerable cock, balls, and ass… Anything. I could position myself right behind you with my strap-on locked in place and fuck you from above, holding your legs for leverage, smirking at you as you watch so helplessly. Stroking your cock with my hand as I do it, milking you even closer.

And your cock is right there. You know you can’t get away from it.

If you try to turn your head, I’ll just strap it down as well. I’ll make sure you can’t turn away not matter what, and I have a feeling that when the moment comes, you will try to stop it.

You will try to resist cumming as long as you can. Barely able to move, unable to breathe because of the awkward position, because I have the collar locked in place, just a little too tight. You have the face forward to even inhale, and you’ll see every drop of pre-cum form at the tip of your cock. Each bit of it is dripping slowly. Showing you what you are going to have to endure.

Five days of cum. Five LONG days of buildup. Can you IMAGINE how much you are going to cum?!?!

So much that you might even choke on it. Are these the things that are going to be in your head when I’m milking your cock and torturing your balls; telling you what a dirty whore you are, jerking you off right in your own face as you build up closer… and closer… and closer to an orgasm you’ve begged for, for the last five days and now would do anything to avoid.

The beauty in it is that I will control when it happens. You see, I might decide to stop and prolong it even more. You’ll be torn between begging me to let you go and begging me to get it over with.

Five days!!!

I just grin when I think about it. Five days and nights of you begging to end it then, to end it now. Begging me to let you cum, and promising to do anything… *anything* for that relief

Well. Here is your “anything.” Are you ready to take it?

During those last few seconds I have to wonder what will be going through your head. Will you be thinking of how good it feels to have your cock milked ruthlessly to the point of orgasm? Will you be thinking about some possible way to get your head turned (even though it’s futile)? Or will you be thinking about how it’s going to feel to have your own hot, sticky cum all over your face?

What a nasty little whore you are. And you won’t believe it now, but you will beg me for it. You will nod your head enthusiastically, when I ask you if you are a nasty little bitch, and you will nod eagerly when I ask if you want to drink your own cum. Because by then, my slut, you will be what I have made you…

… The ultimate whore…

And you’ll drink it all. Every drop that makes it into your mouth, and probably those last traces that are on y our face, and hair, the cum that I scoop up on my fingertips and shove into your mouth. Every last drop.

And I just might find that position so much to my liking that I permanently integrate it into our little routine.

So get used to the taste of your own cum, my little slut… And get ready for those five days.

Ryan, my previous Dom, and I, have role reversed once again. I am no longer his sub. He now belongs to me. And rightfully so.

I'm sure that everything now that was wrong will be righted and we will both have a bit more pleasure in each other's company. He's not giving up Domming entirely, but he is going to be a good little boy for Me. ~devious smile~ Or else.

Am I a sub? Am I his sub? Am I just a slut?? Am I able to be cast aside?? I don't understand what happened to me... I don't understand what happened to us. I want to just keep being a sub... His sub... But I don't think he's ready. I guess I'm not ready either. I want him to just know that I love him... He doesn't seem to care about anything right now... I feel like he doesn't care....

Nicky....

To whom it may concern:

I do not like to be shoved against walls.

I do not like to be put in inescapable positions (excluding bondage).

I do not like to be held down when I believe that I can't get away or that something is going to happen to me.

I do not like to be interrogated.

I do not like to be talked to like a child.

The end.

Thank you.

Sometimes... I want him to be more controlling... sometimes I want to be humiliated beyond anything... I want him to use me and show me what I really am... I guess there's no other way to say it.

I want him to know that I'll do anything to make him happy. I can't help but be this submissive, and he doesn't even give me enough time to actually fulfil everything that I want... I do everything that I can...

I did everything he said tonight, and I still didn't get the release that I needed. I know it's not his fault, but I just sometimes wish that he was more experienced, or at least had the desire to obtain said experience.

I guess it's not his fault. He's shy... But I can't keep being disappointed like this... No no no, I'm not going to leave him. Just maybe not be a full-time sub? Or maybe not a sub at all... I don't know...

Hopefully I'll figure it all out by myself.

Lots of love,

Nicky

I'm tired... And cranky, and my family blows... but - ugh.

My family is so stupid and I want all of them to just grow up... I want everything to be NORMAL!

Wait - what am I saying, normality is boring... Ugh - I'll post later - too many things going on, I promise I'll have a good post later. BAI

I love you and I'm sorry that I'm such a bitch. You're the best daddy in the world and I know that I never want to be with anyone else.


With love, nicky

This is the second day you've left me all alone... I don't understand... is there something I did wrong? Every time I try to get your attention there's something more important that comes up... I tried so hard today to do everything I could for you... EVERYTHING! I don't know what else to do, I'm so scared that you're not going to want me anymore... I'm so scared you're going to just throw me away... Please don't leave me Daddy - I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I'm sorry... Just tell me what I did please... please please please! I can't take this anymore! I'm so scared... I'm so worried... I feel so alone... I miss you... please... I need You...

I need Your guiding hand... Your touch... The kiss of your whips... please Daddy -- please... I need You...

It's over. And now that it is - We can be together again. I missed you the whole time I was gone, and I wish I didn't have to be.

I never want to be away from you for that long again. I want to be always by your side - kneeling, standing, sitting, however you want me... I just want to make you happy. I want to make you happier then you've ever been - I just want you to know how much I love you and adore you...

Please... make me... yours...

This is kind of like playing a video game, huh? I hope you're at least smiling by this point.

Thanks for actually coming here and reading everything. I almost thought that you weren't going to.

And if you didn't - I'm sure you are now.

I love you so much, Daddy, and I wasn't mad at you - just a little disappointed that my reward didn't really go the way I wanted. It's not your fault because now that I look back at it, I don't think you said anything to actually hurt me. I just kinda got offended... did I mention that I'm super sensitive?

I just wanted you to realize that you do mean everything to me, and that's why I did this for you.

if I'm still sleeping... then wake me up...

if I'm awake... then come give me a big hug... cause I really need it.

I love you.

Submissively yours,

Nicky

I've finally had all night to debate everything and turn everything over more than once in my head.

I think that all I really need is the perfect sub to go along with the perfect Dom that I have found. Right now, I proudly wear my collar hoping that He wakes up soon so that I may show him all that I've learned and decided in my long night alone.

I want Him more than anything... And show to show Him how proud I am to wear His collar and be His sub through everything.

I think what really has happened is that I'm scared. I'm scared to let myself go... and I'm scared to let Him be the one to guide me. I want Him to be the One at the other end of the whip that I look up at... letting go of all my inhibitions as He teaches me and shows me who I really am...

Other than that... I think I've found the perfect sub. I found a sub who will make me happy and will help me serve my Daddy. I'll tell more later once I've talked to Daddy, and he has...

thank You for reading...

---submissively---
-------nicky------

I don't really know even how to begin this, or where I'm going to take it to. I'm honeslty just confused beyond all belief. I want Ryan to be my Dom, my Master, my Owner... But I'm not exactly sure if I could handle that at this point in my life. I want it to be 24-7, but I'm worried that he won't be able to handle that kind of commitment, and responsibility... I mean for god's sake... He can barely handle cleaning up a room - how is he going to handle ... me? I can't even handle me at times... How is he going to? I'm not saying he's incapable... just... not mature enough I suppose.

I didn't realize how much I must have upset him today... He went to bed without even telling me. He just kinda left... I went in there after he fell asleep and kissed his forehead... I didn't want him to know that I was watching him sleep... Sometimes I wonder if there's anything that I could have done better... Maybe I should have been more understanding during our talk? Maybe I was completely right... but I guess this is just my mind overanalyzing things...

My OCD has been acting up horribly... and until today I've had it under control trying only to let it out in subtle ways that most people wouldn't notice... like tapping the door twice before opening it... twisting the key in the lock two times before locking it closed... tapping the car door three times before getting in... looking into the car all the way before sitting down... Eating things in certain ways, and never eating more than the amount my head told me was correct... listening to certain songs over and over and over and OVER again... I guess I'm insane, even though no one will actually admit that that's what wrong with me.

I'm supposed to go to the doctor to fix all my problems... But I hate doctors... in my experience they've never done anything good for me... only made things a little more complicated...

Ugh...

I'm still thinking about if this is what I want... I'll try to make my decision tonight... hopefully...